there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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