he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
