I can tuck mytits in my pants
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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