he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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