I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
