So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
