just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
