I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
