There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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