eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
