I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
