you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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