do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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