Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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