Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
