Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
