my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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