theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
