I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
...so i touched it.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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