That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
