This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
