I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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