so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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