T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Edward fifth and chaser hands
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
