im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
So here I am, sexting at work.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
