ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
