For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
