She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
