I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
