Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
