I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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