i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Sober January is a disaster.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
