I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
