I just threw up on my dentist
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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