Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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