haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
