and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
