this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
