his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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