there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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