The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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