i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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