these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
