there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
