i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Randomize
