do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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