Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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