all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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