Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
