His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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