Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
YAS. BRING CRAB.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
