Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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