so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
