Screwed.edu
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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