I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
