I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
