I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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