When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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