you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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