My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm too high and old for this...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize