i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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