I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
