kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
