New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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