things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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