Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
bring money and cleavage
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
