life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
