So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
