My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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