i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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